Anger is a strange emotion. I have come to believe it does not exist on its own. Anger is our way to conceal or control other emotions... Afraid of looking vulnerable when someone hurts your feelings? Get angry. Feeling guilty for hurting someone else's feelings? Afraid to apologize? Get angry (but only if they try to confront you with their hurt feelings... otherwise you'll look like a lunatic). Frustrated by your inability to communicate with someone? Get angry. They're obviously too stupid to understand.

And so on, and so forth. Anger is, above all else, a defense mechanism in the employ of fear.

Think of every time you've been angry (righteous indignation counts too). Look for what was going on behind the anger. In some cases, the anger might have been good... a defense mechanism against hurt that allowed you to stand up for yourself in a way you couldn't have if you'd let the raw pain take control. In other cases you may have caused someone else unecessary pain, or damaged a relationship needlessly, to protect yourself from some comparatively minor embarassment.

Really, unless it's a situation in which you need anger to give you the strength to physically protect yourself, when is anger ever a productive or worthwhile response to anything? Sure, there's something to be said for getting righteously angry at someone who treats you badly... but imagine how much more of an impact might it have to just look at them calmly and say, "How you treat me hurts. I won't allow you to do it anymore. I deserve better than that."

The power of turning away from anger is perhaps most intimately proven by the simple acknowledgement of how absolutely infuriating it is for someone to remain calm and reasonable towards you, when you are utterly upset with them. You might say that anger gives you strength, but realize what is so infuriating about someone staying calm in the face of your anger: They are totally self-possesed. They are in control of themselves. You are losing control. The person who maintains a level head is always the one in control, ultimately.

I read a book some 3-4 years ago which totally changed my life: Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Having been in the grips of Borderline Personality Disorder for years, I was a good friend of anger. Angry was my default emotional response to almost everything, ultimately to the great detriment to myself and everyone near me. I didn't even stop to think about a situation before giving in to rage, and all the ugly, cruel irrationality that came with it.

And then, the relationship that had provided the framework for the previous five years of my life came to an end. It probably should have ended much sooner, in all honesty. But there it was. I lost it. He left me. And I was left clutching my pitiful anger, and righteous indignation, and pride, and nothing else. And I realized it just wasn't working. And I bought Anger on a whim from a book club. And reading that book was the first step I took towards realizing that anger was doing nothing for me. Nothing good, anyhow.

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And ever since I read that book, I have been searching inwardly and outwardly for understanding of why it is that I feel the way I do about my life. The further along my questioning path I travel, the more anger feels like a crutch that hurt me far more than the pain of learning how to walk without it ever will. The further I turn away from my anger, the better I feel about everything about me and my life.

So if, hypothetically, someone were to suddenly stop answering my emails and/or phone calls... out of the blue... with no forewarning whatsoever that they were going to cut off communication with me... what is my most appropriate response?

I could get righteously "how dare you disrespect me like that" angry. And when I eventually get in touch with this person again, I could unleash a tirade of fury and righteous hurt upon them the likes of which I could only hope they'd never seen before (because it's not a pretty thing when I lose it like that). And thusly, I could pretty much guarantee this person would never want to have anything to do with me ever again... but by golly, I could be all proud that I'd stood up for myself!

Or I could push the anger aside, and give into the underlying paranoia and fear, that either this person has hooked up with someone else, or decided to stop talking to me, or something horrible has happened that has so dominated this person's life for the last two weeks that I became but a dim afterthought. Surely, it must be something horrible, involving the death of a close family member, or some other comparable tragedy, or I have been utterly and completely discarded. Because everything must be either black or white, surely nothing in between.

Or I could just take a deep breath, consider everything calmly, and say, "whatever happened, I'll find out eventually, and neither anger nor worry is going to change or improve anything," and go on with my life in the meantime.

I'm so tired of being angry and afraid. I'm so tired of letting other people's actions control my emotions. I never want to feel hysterically out of control again. I want to be the person who calmly looks at the situation, takes a deep breath, and says, "Here's how I feel, and here's how it's going to be, because this is my life and you're not the one in control here. I am."

And when I list out my options, and consider the ramifications of each, the more absurd everything seems except the last one... Because, no matter what else may be a factor, whatever happened I'll find out eventually, and neither anger nor worry is going to change or improve anything.

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